Hi-ho, campaign contributors! Willard Romney here, sending you this post card while summering in Europe.
Oh, the name flip-flop? Yes. heh, heh, yes, it used to be Mitt because Willard sounded too, you know, stiff. And since all the cool Republican prep school nicknames such as Poppy, Scooter, and Turd Blossom were already taken, I thought “Mitt” sounded groovy and elitist at the same time. But then, no sooner had I touched down in jolly olde England, when that dreadful enemy of all Republicans – Rupert Murdoch and his tabloid The Sun started calling me “Mitt the Twit.” Boy, if you think the interviews with Fox News are tough, you should try dealing with The Sun! So, la de dah, it’s back to Willard again, unless Ann lets me use Rafalca’s name. That would be cool. But even if she does, I’m still not going to watch that gosh darn dancing horse unless of course Sheldon Adleson tells me to.
The American people should be proud of what I accomplished in merry olde England (I don’t know why they insist on calling it the UK). You have to admit; it takes a special talent to anger the most polite society on the planet by questioning their competence to host the Olympic Games on the eve of the opening ceremonies on their own soil! Moreover, I was able to accomplish it only moments after I arrived as good will ambassador representing our O-beautiful-for-spacious-skies country. When I left merry olde England, Tories, Labor, the PM, Mr. Opposition leader (I can’t remember his name), the mayor of London, and all of the citizens were united in their opinion of me as a world leader. I’ve never seen a country so ignited by my presence!
Having unified the Brits, I jetted from London to Tel Aviv for some more summering. On the flight, I told my traveling press secretary Rick Gorka go up and down the aisles and say, “Closed press, closed press, closed press.” I wanted to keep all of the reporters from hearing me talk to the 50 or so rich donors who were going to give me private campaign contributions when we arrived at the King David hotel in Jerusalem. After all, this was the real reason for summering on the continents. I would get to raise a lot of campaign money in a foreign country and nobody would know where it came from! Plus, what I tell wealthy American supporters on foreign soil would be kept quiet from the voters at home Penultimately, I look like a friend of Israel while I’m rakin’ in the bucks. And best of all, if I win, Sheldon Adelson will never be indicted! Hey, thanks a million. Actually, a little over a million!
However, those nasty reporters raised such a stink, I had to flip-flop on that one too, and had let the reporters in. But don’t worry, they heard me really stick it to those lazy Palestinians. I used my favorite speech from home. After all, one speech fits all and I’ve never been a flop-flipper.
“I was thinking this morning as I prepared to come into this room of a discussion I had across the country in the United States about my perceptions about differences between countries …”
I went on to compare Israel’s economy with that of the Palestinian territories. Israel’s annual per capita gross domestic product is $21,000 and the Palestinians $10,000. Then I bravely said,
You notice a dramatic, stark difference in economic vitality. And that is also between other countries that are near or next to each other. Chile and Ecuador, Mexico and the United States.
And then I really let ‘em have it!
I am overwhelmingly impressed with the hand of providence, whenever it chooses to apply itself, and also the greatness of the human spirit, and how individuals who reach for greatness and have purpose above themselves are able to build and accomplish things that could only be done by a species created in the image of God.
As it turns out, the Palestinians don’t have their own country. Never did, so, it’s nothing at all like Chile and Ecuador, Mexico and the United States. Who knew Palestinians live in occupied territories? Oh. The entire Middle East knows that? And Europe, and Asia, and Africa? Howsabout the Micronesians? Drat and gosh darn it, them too? Well, the Providence thing, at least that’s true. Oh. Allah is the Arabic word for God? You mean it’s the same God? My duh! Who knew? Oh. Pretty much everybody in the Middle East knows that too? Not to worry, I’ll just tell American voters I was talking about different cultures not countries, they won’t know the difference. Oh? That’s racist? Boy, occupied people sure are touchy about some stuff. Oh? The disparity between Palestinians and other Israelis is even more severe than 2 to 1? It’s more like 6 to 1? Wow, the hand of Providence really has it in for them.
Well, at least I praised the Israelis for their excellent health care system. Oh? It’s entirely socialist? What!?! The entire country is socialist? My bad.
And so, on to Poland where they got rid of Communism! And how did they do it? Wait. What? You mean it wasn’t naked 19th century predator Bain Capital capitalism? It was a union called Solidarity, a nasty union like the ones I am always trying to destroy in the United States? And their health care system is socialist? As Rick Perry would say, “Oops.”
Ta ta and laters!
Williard Mitt Rafalca Poppy Scooter Turd Blossom Cool-guy Romney
P.S. When I get back, could somebody please nominate me at the upcoming convention? For some reason, neither W. nor Poppy will be attending this year’s soiree. Deadeye Dick (oouu that’s another wicked cool nick name I could use!) said he’ll be out of town, skeet shooting I think. And Sarah P. just didn’t make the A-list. Rick P., Rick S., and Newt G. still aren’t speaking to me and that dreadful Dr. Paul thinks he’s going to be homecoming king. Maybe Monty Burns is available or Uncle Thurston or Aunt Lovey. Maybe THE Donald! Oh, that’s right, he’s a fictional character who plays a billionaire on TV. Well, just hire somebody. But make sure they’re documented; I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake!
Photo by The Reckless Libertine
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